One Year, One Month

It's been a year since you left me. Both of you, only one week apart. I'd never lost anyone that close to me before. And then the news came, unexpectedly. Twice. I cried, I grieved. I had to learn how to breathe again, how to live again. Then, one week later, for an hour or so, I thought my time had come, that I was going to die. And even though now I think that I wasn't in danger, for a moment I believed I was and that was enough.

All that in less than a month. It changed the way I saw the world. It changed the way I felt about the world.

It's been a year and I've been busy living my life.

(I miss you.)

*Iz

For you, My Friend

We will all do the best we can to grant your last and greatest wish.

I will never forget you. Your memory will always be alive in our hearts.

*Iz

Please Don't Die

How does it feel? Does it hurt? I don't want you to die, do you want to die? Do you want to let go? Will it be easier, will it ease the pain? Don't leave us, don't leave them, don't leave me. Do you know what's happening? I need to know, need to know how it feels, how much it hurts, if it hurts at all or if it's just tiredness and numbness and memories. Could it be quick and painless? Could you find the peace you deserve?

I will see you tomorrow. I will hold back my tears. And I will smile for you.

*Iz

Better Be Still

I thought I'd do something. Be there and be helpful. Didn't work, did it?

Oh my. Love's a bitch.

*Iz

Never Mine

I guess it was an epiphany of sorts.

The choking feeling, the sudden realization that I cannot hold you captive any longer. That you are no longer mine.

That you were never mine.

I never lost you. I never lost you. I never lost you.

*Iz

Guilt

Sometimes when I find myself on her presence, it feels as if nothing has changed. Suddenly I'm ten or eleven again and I don't ever want to grow older because it feels comfortable and I forget why it should feel wrong.

And then I hate myself for allowing it. For being such a fuck up. Because I'll end up seriously hurting someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt. Someone I love more than anyone in this world.

It's consuming me. The guilt is consuming me.

*Iz

Despair

It's consuming me. I wish to be bare. Free of any emotions.

I feel like hurting myself.

*Iz

Scars

Now I can forget. And now I can move on.

It'll still hurt now and then. Every time I see you, every time you smile at me, every time you touch me. A good kind of pain. The kind that leaves scars you wish to keep.

...I'll always love you, though.

*Iz

Tease

I think I'm in love and there's hardly anything I can do about it.

...I'm thoroughly and utterly fucked.

*Iz

The Demons That Tempt Me

Nick: Commitment is dreary. It's not your thing. You have to... dig deeper... Tell me something interesting.

Jenny: I've been doing these really terrible things.

- in The L word

*Iz

Masochist

Every time I see you, I die a little more inside.

…And I want to change and I want to forget and I want to move on.

But then again, not really.

It’s this wicked masochistic pleasure, I guess. Wanting you and knowing I’ll never have you. Because I couldn’t. Because I wouldn’t. Because I bleed.

Impure.

Every time I see you, I die a little more inside. But it’s okay because it keeps reminding me of all the things that I’m not allowed to do.

*Iz

The End of the Summer

I try not to smile for too long. I try not to stare. I try not to fantasize.

I try not to be affected.

Maybe I'll be able to forget this foolish feeling when you go away. If you go away. I guess that's the only good thing about the end of the Summer.

It's not love. It can't be love. I wouldn't know how to handle it.

*Iz